Brooklyn Nine-Nine star Andy Samberg, who will host the next Emmy awards, did a routine about the TV business at the Fox upfront.
Here are a few of his best lines.
"When Fox first asked if I would do it, I said yes on one condition: That I also get to perform at this year's upfront and so here I now stand on the same stage as countless Rob Thomas concerts. A dream realized."
"This year's Emmys are a bit of an open field. We'll have no Breaking Bad. No True Detective. No Sherlock . In other words this could be your year, Finding Bigfoot. That's a real show."
"I'm looking forward to all my hosting duties. Ordering the food and figuring out the seating plan. And of course collecting everybody's key in a bowl so we can swap partners after the event. Note to the attendees: don't bring your parent as a date if you don't want them to possibly go home with the guy who plays Little Finger on Game of Thrones. I learned that the hard way last year. Dad. I'm still not over it."
"I'm even more excited about the day after I host when I get to go online and see all the best things people will print about me."
"First, I know the big complaint about award shows is that they're too long, so I spoke to the network, and I'm happy to announce that this year's Emmys will be whittled down to a tight 47 hours and only 46 of those hours will be commercials. Suck on that HBO."
"Also, there will be a new category this year: Best Male Lead in a Brooklyn Nine-Nine, which I'm assuming Ricky Gervais will somehow get nominated for and Jim Parsons will win."
"It will be a great night. All the big stars of television will be there. I for one am so excited to meet Robert Durst."
"How about the rest of the Fox lineup this year? I wrote that. Empire of course was a huge hit, proving that audiences do want to see diversity on television. Now that the networks have learned this lesson, I'm sure it will never be a problem ever again."
"I'm really excited for the new shows. My congrats to Rob Lowe and John Stamos. It's just so exciting to see that there's still opportunities out there for ageless beautiful men. We salute you boys. Try not to have sex with anyone between here and the photo thing at the party."
"The show Bones is back and I'm told this season will be focusing on the tibia. I didn't write these jokes, Dana Walden did, so the check goes to her."
"And we're all excited about Scream Queens, which is about murder and sorority girls. Apparently it was originally just titled Porn, which is also catchy."
"I'm also excited about the new season of MasterChef Junior, the show where kids make amazing food but they can't eat it until someone cuts it up into small pieces for them."
"And finally I'm excited about the return of X-Files this year because, let's be honest, Duchovny and Anderson are still super hot, right? Let's put it this way. You don't see them bringing back Party of Five. It's a party of five people I don't want to 'F'. Alright, I'm busted on this. If Matthew Fox walked in here I would totally give up the butt."
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