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Live blogging the Emmys because it's boring to just watch them

Hey, Ryan Seacrest isn’t so bad. He actually managed to make a joke about the five-second rumor that he and Teri Hatcher were making out at one point. And she laughed. Plus he kept it short and mercifully turned it over to stand-up-without-a-show Ray Romano, who was kind of bad, telling jokes I heard five years ago.

I don’t know how I feel about this Emmy-in-the-round thing. I guess it’s okay, but it’s not going to improve the ratings. Most people find awards shows boring. The end. Putting the stage in the round isn’t going to change that.

OK, here we go:

Jeremy Piven wins best supporting actor in a comedy for Entourage, his second win in three years. I know Piven is great but Entourage bores me and he beat Rainn Wilson, which hurts my feelings.

Surprise! Lost’s Terry O’Quinn – complete with hot pink satin shirt and glittery tie – wins best supporting actor in a drama for Lost. Did we remember that show was still on? Wait, and he’s funny! Who knew?

Julia Louis Dreyfus and Tina Fey are almost convincing me to become a lesbian. Best supporting actress in a comedy was tough! Jamie Pressly pulls it off, and I have to say she’s pretty over the top on Earl. Still, I again have to fend off depression due to The Office getting beat. Don’t worry Jenna Fischer, your day will come!

Katherine Heigl is scoring another point in the lesbian column, but Kyle Chandler is bringing me back to my heterosexual roots. Ha ha! The announcer pronounced Katherine’s name wrong AND she corrected it. Shouldn’t someone run over the pronunciation of all the names prior to the show?

Thomas Haden Church, one-time washed-up sitcom actor, now Oscar and Emmy winner, takes it for best supporting actor in a mini-series for Broken Trail. And then makes a very strange joke about peeing, which I’m going to choose to ignore. But the SpongeBob joke is kind of funny. Here comes the music – buh bye – those three people you were going to dedicate that Emmy to became two, due to your silly pee joke. That’s why people need to write themselves a speech.

Back from commercial break, and here is Ellen. Why oh why isn’t she the host?

The fight for best supporting actress in a drama is a shootout between Grey’s Anatomy and The Sopranos. Normally you would think The Sopranos would take this on sheer firepower alone, but the radiant Heigl wins. No surprise there — it’s really been her year even though she should have won the Emmy for Grey’s last year with the whole Denny storyline. And then she swore on camera and had to be bleeped. And again with "ass." One thing about this girl, she says what she thinks. (Remember her taking out Isaiah Washington at the Globes?)

The Emmy for writing on best variety/comedy show should win something for best nomination montage of all time — how funny was Alberto Gonzalez saying he did not recall remembering Jon Stewart? — but now I’m crying that Conan beat Stewart and Colbert. It’s just not right.

Let’s take a moment to compare the career of Christina Aguilera — she of the voice too big for a microphone to contain — to the career of Britney Spears. Now let’s have a moment of silence for Britney. Please, for the love of God, Britney, do  not appear here tonight and apologize for anything. Just remain mercifully absent.

I know its sacrillegious but Tony Bennett bores me. Oh wait, and so does Robert Duvall. Time to go cook dinner. I’m back — wait, it’s a Roots tribute. Ok, that was a very important TV event, but I’m still bored. And so is Kelsey Grammer’s wife, apparently. And so is Portia di Rossi.

Good thing Broken Trail won because the cast of Roots giving the Emmy to The Starter Wife would have been way too awesomely ironic. Oh no, here’s Duvall again rambling on about Chinese girls and Westerns. I don’t think he can actually hear the music.