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Dispatches From the ‘American Idol’ Auditions Vol. III: Tramps Like Us, Baby We Were Born to Sing

Fat angry guys! A dude singing Elvis into his water bottle! Hoboes mugging for the camera! Bourbon Street hits the Meadowlands!

Intern Mike Singer is unearthing all sorts of freaks out in the swamps of Jersey. Rumors are going around saying only 65 people out of around 10,000 hopefuls have gotten through. An irate reject wouldn’t talk with Mike, spitting “I get ****ing screwed every ****ing chance I get.” Mike dubbed him Large Angry Fat Man. A couple dressed as hoboes (remember, hobo home base Hoboken is only 9 miles away) is running around doing interviews for the various news crews set up at the Meadowlands. There’s a woman dressed as an elf, and a guy practicing his Elvis shimmy-shake is crooning into an Aquafina bottle. Mike approached him for an interview, then got spooked.

“There are a lot of people standing in corners, singing to themselves,” Mike adds.

On the bright side, Intern Mike reports that lots of friends are showing the love for their vocally challenged amigos, having showed up in the wee hours this morning to offer a shoulder to cry on.